I woke up on time, started making coffee, laid back down while the machine did it’s magical mystical marvelous job and accidentally fell back asleep. In my second effort to get up I decided to check out Twitter and see what has been happening in the world at 140 characters at a time.
I caught the trail end of Kevin Smith (@thatkevinsmith) talking about losing weight. It was intriguing enough to hear him talk about this that I wanted to see how it all started. What triggered THIS particular rant, I asked myself, expecting to see someone had once again poked the bear with a stick by making a critical comment about his weight.
The transcription that follows is slightly edited, removing the Twitter account of the individual Kevin is addressing and I cleaned up formatting and word choice I believe were used due to the medium in which the ideas were expressed. Normally I would just retweet something like this but this message is so simple, so powerful, I really felt it deserves a bigger platform.
@ThatKevinSmith Kevin Smith
We’re all too fat, sir. But weight loss, while a frustrating proposition, is the key: when you’re thin, you’re healthy, and nobody bothers you – so life’s always a non-caloric-cupcake-&-firework party! However, having met 1 or 2 thin people (or “normies”) in my life, I’ve been able to glean that it’s also not always a picnic being skinny. Okay, so if life blows for fat AND thin people sometimes, then it’s all relative – except for your packaging. So remove the whole “IF I CAN JUST GET THIN, EVERYTHING WILL BE BETTER!” bullshit and approach the weight loss with a realistic perspective: losing weight will SOLELY make you thinner and heart-healthier; other than that, it’s no different from being thin except all the sweating and getting a hard-on for DevilDogs.
So when the fantasy factor of weight loss is eliminated (fact: your life may stay the EXACT same and your problems may not suddenly evaporate) you’re left with un-hyped, non-augmented truth: when you lose weight, you’re doing JUST that: losing weight. Now – if you NEED to attach drama to weight-loss, as a sort of motivator, there’s no better gas in the tank than the simple desire to shut motherfuckers the fuck up.
S’fun to watch the endlessly opinionated suddenly choke on a reality they’d never prepared for: the mutable you. Folks wanna cast you in a walk-on role in the movie of their lives: they want to minimize you to one aspect/role/title THEIR self-esteem can handle. Don’t settle for being a last-billed extra in some other prick’s feature; be the goddamn STAR of your OWN movie. The best revenge is when folks who’ve tagged & bagged you suddenly realize THEIR true roles: they amount to little more than a footnote in the film of YOUR life. Then? Cutting Room Floor.
Now – I’m not a spectral communicator and I don’t claim to congress with the dead. But I doubt ANY of this can be accomplished from the grave. As far as I know, you get one life. Milk it, sir. Chocolate-milk it, if you’ve gotta, but milk it for all it’s worth without harming others. Treat yourself like you treat the things you own: bag & board your life and put it somewhere fuckers can’t bend your pages; maybe even framed. But whatever you do, don’t even whimsy about ending shit. It all ends soon enough, without our input or agreement.
Drop a little weight and it’ll be easier to drop a little more. For me it’s more about portion control: I’m an American, so everything I eat is like four feet tall. On Weight Watchers, I’ve been rocking the Smart Ones meals, which I’m using to train myself to remember that two boxes of cereal in one sitting is not a meal; it’s a freak show that belongs on the boardwalk at Coney Island in the summertime. Make the portions smaller (it’s the thing no chubby wants to hear, but it’s the only path: eat less & exercise. I’ve been doing that since Nov.1 and I’ve lost 40 pounds now. And if I can do it, ANYBODY can do it. I’m the laziest, fattest slob I know. My gut has a gut. But I’ll go Christian-Bale-In-The-Machinist before I give this wicked, wicked world one more second of my life any earlier than I’ve gotta.
Batman watched his parents killed, and opted to stay above ground to make sure the same didn’t happen to anyone else, rather than crumble in defeat. Granted, Batman is fictional. But then so are MOST of the people you look up to: they’re fictional. You don’t see their struggles, you only see their wins. Life is a zero-sum game: there has never been a winner. Find a role model: someone who’s done this life in a way that inspires you and use the lessons of their life to enrich your own (hands off Gretzky, Lunchbox: he’s MINE). But find a role model, not a hero. Learn from others but be your OWN hero.
Long story short: next meal, eat less. Meal after that? Eat half. Leave food behind. Start like that. In a week or two, step it up a little: go out walking. Bring an iPod (I recommend loading with some SModcast Network shows). Walk for 10 mins. Then 20. Then 30. Increase weekly. A week will go by. Then a month – at the end of which, you’ll have lost some weight. It may not be a breathtaking amount, but it’ll be enough to make you wanna lose a little more, maybe. And then a little more. But you can do this. Just know you’re going to do it ALONE – and that’s okay. This is YOUR journey. From time to time, even when NOBODY else understands why, we have to act against their grain – to get shit done. Expect some taunts & teases from the swine, so I suggest finding a somewhat less-traveled road (but always let someone know where you’re going); and to paraphrase Teddy, a walking stick’s good for balance AND for making fucktards think twice about shooting their mouths off.
So no more of this suicide bullshit: how the fuck do you know you’re not the one who’s supposed to cure cancer. Or change shit. Or inspire the one who WILL change shit. The flick has three acts, sir; stay above ground – or you’ll never know what was possible; just what wasn’t… So today, eat only HALF that Ho-Ho. All this week, eat only half the Ho-Ho. Next week, it’s Anti-Claus time: meaning NO Ho-Ho. Ho-Ho’s won’t vanish in our absence: there will ALWAYS be Ho-Ho’s. Months from next week, maybe years even? You can have another Ho-Ho – after which, you may mutter to yourself “Wasn’t worth it…” because that Ho-Ho becomes an hour walk to even make a dent in the caloric burning department. We’ll lose weight, that’s EASY. Much harder to lose: the yapping, negative swine. Like herpes, they’ll be with us always.
You don’t expect this kind of straight talking simple but powerful advice on Twitter. He is speaking about weight loss but this so easily applies to everything in our lives, so it’s probably appropriate this comes out right when we are talking about resolutions.
What is the goal? What is the essence of the goal? Now work on that essence daily. Want to be a writer? The essence of being a writer is writing. Write every day. Want to be a published writer, then write everyday, edit your work when there is enough to edit, and submit it to people who know their stuff to make it even better. Want a kick ass job? The essence of having a kick ass job is having the skills to do the job and being hired for it. Take the steps necessary to get the skills and hunt down that job like it is something you truly want.
Do the work to reach the goal.
Thanks, Kevin Smith, for giving us all a good kick in the pants.